You have carried me, you have called me.

Into new heights next year.

My capacity has expounded

My heart has softened… more malleable, more dependant, more ready

My mind has been made strong, my knowledge fed.

My humility deepened. My understanding of your infinance, carved in my soul.

I feel invincible under your wing

Holding on so tightly. It is cold, it is windy,

but everything about me is caught.

my sway in your catch.

i have learnt to collapse.

to know my humanity.

to give thanks for my salvation.

we could conquer the world.

here’s to:

the fact that all you see is the righteousness of Christ.

wearing a crown that i never deserved.

many more salvations of many new people you have placed in my world.

introductions, the special moments of redemption, forgiveness, transforming grace.

And peace. Here’s to being with you all my days.

The lighthouse is always operating, place in me a consuming light that never ever fades.

I love you so much Lord.

Here’s to 98.05

xxxxxx

the view from the top is great.

but as I look for the only internet connecting laptop in my house and find it in my brothers room, I am deeply encouraged by the book on his bedside table. something along the lines of proving the existence of God. I just smiled. God is doing something in his life at the moment. It is so special to witness. and God asks me politely why I am stressing. because I am scared. deeply insecure, that what I will do, be, give is never enough. I like what was mentioned in an otherwise confusing night at church. God likes to give ‘most improved awards’. he doesn’t even really consider perfection. and it would be very discouraging to measure us to that.

so as I stress about all the maths questions I don’t know and the course content I haven’t memorised, and the subject that I haven’t studied for, and the exams I am not ready to take, God gently reminds me. he has built me for this. he has made me strong and dependant. to finish this race not ‘holding up’ but running. I really just want to let it go. I am never good at finishings.

as i mentioned previously, I have been reading ephesians 6 many times this week. one verse particularly encouraged me: ‘therefore take up the whole armour of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand’. we are not meant to come to heaven exhausted and hyperventalating. yes we come running in. dancing in fact. because as we work ‘harder than them all’ we totally acknowledge that that strength comes from God, and still we fall short, but God fills in the gap.

I am reminded of the work he is doing on my brothers heart, the seeds he is planting in my own relationships, the study that has been invested. hmm, my arguments become completely illogical when I remember what has been accomplished. and in the midst of it all, God presents me with the opportunity to have victory over my greatest struggle, evangelism, a troubled friend has been coming to church with me. ahh vulnerable, and deeply insecure and the thing that makes me unstuck, but he is encouraging me. things have been accomplished.

now onward to victory. I have placed it in your hands.

the promise is clear. xx

fridays are the best. x

yes we stand. what a beautiful scripture. i have felt so discouraged lately. and ah i haven’t written in so long, for that i am sorry. although i know i am saying sorry to myself. it is a simple expectation i place on myself: to have it all together. For things to run smoothly, to be perfect. deeply humbled, i didn’t want God to have to pick up my slack. week after week. day after day. i wish i had things all together so God could do something more with my life. self-paralysis. because i always fall short. i am never enough. i wished i wasn’t God’s problem. i couldnt help stumbling back into apology and self-depreciation because i was always falling short.

but my grace is sufficient for you.

breathe again. i don’t know why i was so expectant of invincibility. that no human was ever made to be self-sufficient. and thus the whole purpose for his salvation. the whole construction of our make up. dependency. because we have all fallen short. and i am reminded that i am cared for, that i am loved.

‘but by the grace of God, i am what i am. his grace toward me was not in vain, for i laboured more abundantly than they all yet not i, but the grace of God which was within me.’ this corinthians scripture encourages me. that while my works are in no way salvation worthy, they are an expression of his grace at work in my life. and i am so grateful for that.

thank goodness for my God. i rise to the challenge of life because he is my strength, my shield and my boldness. each day teaches me to have more confidence in trusting him. to trust more and love more so i can love others and know him. i am so deeply blessed. so deeply favoured like i can’t even describe. so in love with my God.

this very notion of stand. in ephesians 6 ‘therefore take up the whole armour of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand’. in psalms 27 ‘and though an army may encamp against me, my heart shall not fear, though war may rise, in this i will be confident… he shall stand me high upon a rock’ and matthew 7 ‘and the rain descended, the floods came and the winds blew and beat on that house: and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock’. all these ideas of ‘standing’: by seeing that one side of grace that tells us we are not worthy, we so easily miss it all. that we have been given full authority and full courage to ‘stand’. as our purpose is to reside in him, he knows our hearts desires. he loves us, and wants us to love him. victory is his promise and our stance.

as a girl in my connect group put it so well when we were praying for her newly saved friend. i asked her what it meant to walk with Jesus. “it means you can have this amazing peace everywhere you go, and that whatever happens God loves us, so yeah, its all good!” its the little things we so easily forget. walking with him. realising once again that this can’t be done without full armour and sword in hand. that what we are immersed in is deeply spiritual. our fight is by behalf. heavily aided, fully authoritive.

for i know the plans i have for you.

thanks for doing life with me. xx

recent events have showed me that my love for new things and new seasons is completely flawed by the my sometimes inability to let go. my obsession with change is so obviously loosed by my complete (and human) reluctance to change what has so subconciously slipped into a comfortable place in my life, comfortable enough to reveal a need to be shaken again. reminded again that i can only lean on you. nothing else will stand.

i am sad about these changes.

but i am learning so much. one thing i am learning is that God is working out our salvation. we don’t understand why moral issues can’t be as black and white as pro and anti. but grace is what separates the human mind from his. legalism is a distraction from grace. legalism prevents from loving our neighbours and respecting God’s work in them. legalism separates us from the work of grace in our own lives. we read the bible only to find that God is unfair, one rule for one, one rule for another, whats in it for us when the tax collector and the adulterer are forgiven.

its a mockery to the whole system we think.

but then we remember who our God is. reminded that he loves us. among our fellow humans. we slip and we tell him its not fair. we have been working in the fields all day. why does she get a full days wage? all instead of accepting the sovreignity excersized in a case-by-case God. that each need has been supplied. and conviction according to our own salvation.

i am kept busy, i am cleaning my room and planning a party. and i am graduating. see you soon. xx

we are thankfully not expected to carry all this. dependant by nature, dependant by soul.

i found a beautiful illustration of fellowship from from Jerry Bridges ‘Transforming Grace’ discussing Mark 2

‘the man was completely paralyzed, at lease unable to walk. as such he would have been a dead weight to his friends, unable even to cooperate with them as they carried him on his mat. the mat was probably a thin, straw-filled mattress, which the man on being healed could easily pick up and carry out with him. so the mat itself was likely limp, providing no stability to aid the man’s friends. in every respect the paralytic lying helplessly on his mat was an awkward, heavy burden to be carried. but his paralytic’s friends were undeterred by either the awkwardness of their burden or the obstacle of the crowd. they persisted until they brought him before Jesus…

the person was an awkward spiritual burden, but just as the paralytic’s friends persisted until they brought him to Jesus, so we too must persist in bringing the people God puts on our own hearts to the throne of grace until God heals him spiritually.’

to carry one anothers burdens. I am so thankful to my God.

x

music by will reagan and united pursuit – such raw worship, beautiful moments

a new coffee shop – english breakfast tea and bible readings

next year decided – bachelor of theology, exegesis in hebrew

trials study timetable ticking itself off

a movie with my girls today helped me realise why i do what i do

praying with friends about a troubling situation – the point of fellowship

walking alongside our brothers and sisters in Christ – life together

our lives in service to one another – get over yourself and your silly hangups

prayer meetings – realise the purpose of women, rising as pillars

humbled – we both know I can’t do this.

Grace is acknowledging my inability and your ability.

diversity acknowledges God has the right to deal with us all accordingly without us advocating religious and unbiblical law

I need to stop placing expectations on people, the good they do is God’s grace too.

New bedtime. Early. 10pm.

Healthier, fitter, calmer.

such beautiful moments of worship among the storms.

i want to know your thoughts

i want to hear your unstructured recounts

i want to piece together the fragmented tangents

this is why i loved

doing life together x

please stop, have a moment, wait on God, realise his goodness, his provision, his abundant love, his grace. spend time in him, residing in him, being more and more inclined to his ways, his words, his heart, founding ourselves in his presence, in divine fellowship.

in love x

learning a valuable lesson on humility. hopefully i can find a moment soon to sythesise my findings.  

meanwhile, thankyou God for the most beautiful sunrises this week. thankyou for teaching me new things. thankyou for being patient when i don’t get it straight away.

slowly realising everything is to give honour to your name. its not about me.

x

i think i was 9 the last time i went to bed at 9. plenty of activity chased me late into the night. beyond lying down, beyond falling asleep and leaping into percularly active dreams. BUT i am SO excited about going to bed. so tired. so excited to rest, to halt these crazy thinking chariots and sit under my median tree. thoughtless. appreciating what i always miss. the sound of stillness.

i have never felt so supported. all my limbs tied up in strings. sitting in this beautiful tabernacle. wrapped in your wings. so excited for my new house. a new resting place. sad to leave this one though. a new resting place, decorated for you and i.

and it is only fitting i present my childhood memory verse. ‘you can lie down without fear and enjoy pleasant dreams’

pleasant dreams dear friends x